Tuesday, April 10, 2012

At What Point Do I Stop Obsessing?

This is the question I recently asked myself in the midst of another hysterical breakdown while driving away from bridal shower #4,390. (number not exact)

I’d like to go to these events and have fun, be happy, and NOT CRY about how terrible my life is because I haven’t found a lasting love yet. Guess it didn’t help that I was on the verge of another break up as I handed over the gift and declared congratulations to the bride-to-be (in front of everyone) while making a spectacle of myself, wiping away my selfish tears.

Congratulations Emily!!!


















At what point do I stop obsessing over this? I’m 38 years old and have been dreaming of love since I was a child.

16 Years Old













I was lucky enough to find true love in college, but it didn’t work out and he passed away. At some point in my life, I have to find a way to be happy for others and cease the self-inflicted torment of a bleak future filled with solitude and silence. 

I’ve noticed recently that the holidays are much quieter. My siblings have their own families to hunt for Easter eggs with, and even if we do get together, there’s still that good half of the day that’s just me, my Mom and my Dad.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents, but it can only get worse as the years go on, unless someday things change for the better!

For some strange reason, I’ve always gotten in my own way. People have told me that my whole life, but mostly it was about my acting pursuits. Now I’m realizing that it also pertains to my love life. I never truly believed that I would ever find “the one”, always casting myself as the forever-single-girl. 

Party of one.  

I’ve made myself into a woman who never gets the guy, yet I complain, worry, cry and blog about it. 

Well, folks, things are gonna change! I am tossing my torment to the wind.   I cannot let myself wake up one day at 60 years old and still be deeply upset and worried about my singleness while I’m attending my goddaughter’s wedding. She’s one year old right now, but I’m sure that doll face will be walking down the aisle, and I want to cheer her on with tears of JOY, not of loneliness.

But how do I turn over this new leaf?

How do I continue to want to find love while discontinuing the fear of possibly never being so lucky?  

My sister sat me down a few weeks ago and said: Give me the top ten things you are looking for in a man.

Then she proceeded to write them out for me...
  1. Supportive of my ambitions
  2. Spiritual
  3. Kind
  4. Open
  5. Financially secure
  6. A family man/wants kids
  7. Likes art & culture
  8. Selfless/appreciates me
  9. Ambitious
  10. Attractive
  11. No addictions (had to throw that one in there)

Then she turned the list around and said: Now, does anything on this list represent who YOU are?

Well, Yes! The entire list represents me!
 
Then she said: I think we all tend to look for someone very similar to ourselves, which isn’t a bad thing, but try and be open to finding someone who fills in your gaps. He may not have everything on this list, but he’ll bring other things to your life that you may appreciate and be better because of it.

  
My amazing family knows how to wish me a happy birthday!
So do the little ones!