The One Who Got Away

As I was digging through the depths of my closet at my parents house last weekend, I stumbled upon the ancient three ring binder covered in "Be Smart Don't Start" and "GO Wally!" stickers, that houses the relics of my teenage life. 

• What's inside?  My first batch of creative writing stories
• What did I learn? I’ve been writing about being single  since I was 15

Even in my formative years I wasn’t letting myself fall in love. It all started in 1989 with this romantic, fictional tale….

All That Glitters Is Not Gold

The night was moist with the moon shining brightly in the middle of a star speckled sky. Their eyes met, and suddenly the whole world was standing still. The waves that once crashed against the shores stopped; the faint laughter from the people on the beach faded away. Nothing but love filled the air. As they remained speechless in each other’s presence, she noticed a sparkle in his optimistic eyes. She noticed nothing except the breeze that was blowing his thin, wavy hair in different directions. His eyes were a crystal blue, like the sea reflecting in the afternoon sun. Eyes that tell a thousand words in one, quick glance. And that’s all it was. One quick glance between them, and she knew that she had just fallen in love.

He decided to give her a friendly smile as he passed by. She felt that he loved her. His smile was so gentle, so alive. Yes, he was a strong man on the outside, but when he smiled, he had an inner glow. He was like a diamond. Something precious she could hold firmly in her hand and dare never to let go.

This was the man for her, the man who would promise her the world. He would love her till the end of time. But she had to say something, something that would stop him dead in his tracks and make him fall madly in love with her. And she knew just the thing. Then suddenly she heard another voice and the silence was broken. She could hear the waves crashing against the shore and the faint laughter of the strangers on the beach. Reality finally came back to her, and she could hear a female voice coming from behind her saying, “Honey, ready to go?”

Then she quickly looked at him while he replied, “Yes! I’m coming!” He passed her with a quick brush against her arm. She turned around to watch him walk away, only to see him holding the woman’s hand.

And no, he didn’t look back.

I’ve been glorifying my arduously loveless life for more than 2 decades which, I think, is the main reason why I’m 37 and still single. I have fallen victim to my own self-fulfilling prophesy! See, here’s another short form narrative…

EXIT

Glances from every eager eye fell on her as she walked in

She was beautiful

All she wanted and waited for was to fall hopelessly in love

He couldn’t stop the racing heart inside of his pounding chest

The trembling hands of time ticked on as she walked across the room

His heart told him to follow, but his courage held him back

The lonely exit sign hung above the door

She was gone

I’ve always had this romantic idea of being “the one who got away”, which is so odd, dysfunctional, terribly unrealistic and self-glamorizing. Why on earth did I never write about REQUITED love? And here I am, 22 years after becoming this whimsically forlorn author who romanticizes her solitude, writing a blog titled "Yes, I Am Still Single" like it's a shock!

I'm going to be honest, maybe the reason why I'm still coming home every night to an empty bed is because, in some weird way, I enjoy the torture.

Did I Not Get the Memo?

Where did you all meet your current spouses?  

Have I been doing something wrong here?

•  I’ve been to bars
•  I’ve been to parties
• I’ve gone on vacations
• I went to college
• I’ve lived on both coasts
• I’ve been set up by almost everyone I know
• I’ve gone to shit tons of weddings
•  I’ve dated my friends
•  I’ve dated a few co-workers
• I’ve dated my brother’s friends
• I’ve dated classmates from my childhood
• I’ve tried Match.com
•  PlentyOfFish.com
• LavaLife
• Cemistry
• OkCupid
• Right now I’m on Eharmony

Hell, I even started airing my entire soul on a blog about being single, and still no dice.

I am the last remaining single (and childless) person in my group of friends. 

It’s really cute that almost all of my college friends married each other and have had adorable children... see..

...but it has become a bit daunting to show up to their parties knowing full well that at some point my cursed life of solitude will be the topic of conversation.  My guy friends, who are so handsome and unfortunately taken by all my beautiful girl friends, marvel and shake their heads as they either try to come up with some kind of explanation for this phenomenon or wrack their brain for someone they can set me up with.

• Finney, I don’t get it! You’re so beautiful! If I were single, I’d be all over you.
• What are you doing wrong?
• Have you tried the on-line thing?
• Don’t worry, I KNOW there is someone out there for you, just keep being yourself and he’ll show up.
• What is wrong with you?
• Why do you always go for the bad boys? Finney, you’re attracted to the wrong type!
• I cannot believe no one has snatched you up yet! It should be illegal for someone like you to still be single.
• You are going to make someone very very lucky.
• Don’t you WANT to settle down?

As my brother and I were backing out of my parents driveway to do some holiday shopping back in 2002, he very casually twisted around to see behind him, putting his arm behind my passenger seat, looking out the back window then looking in the rear view mirror, obviously avoiding my eyeballs, and nonchalantly said, "Sooooo, anyyyy...boyfriends lately?.....or.....you know.... girlfriends - it's TOTALLY cool man.. whatever...."

 

Instead of blogging about my misery, I thought I’d benefit if I just asked you, the readers, how you met your significant others.

Maybe there’s a corner of the world I haven’t pursued yet. Or is there a secret trick I don’t know about?

I’ve always been told that love comes when you least expect it but I don’t think I’ll ever NOT expect (or beg God profusely) to meet that great guy when my foot hits the welcome mat, even if it’s to get my damn mail.

My sister-in-law told me that she had finally become comfortable with spending her life alone and then 3 months later she met my brother.

Well, I’ve already done that.

I’ve already found the liberation of being alone forever. Unfortunately I find myself in a neurotic circle of misery because, once again, I’m back to being lonely and afraid.  So please don’t tell me to stop hoping for love.

Perhaps I’m trying too hard? All those on-line dating sites and giving almost every guy a chance even if I’m not attracted to him… maybe that’s not working?  I  have even gone in the opposite direction and have turned dates down. That didn’t help my love life either.

Yes, I have had boyfriends and I do go out on dates. That’s not the problem.  I just haven’t found “him” yet and I’m starting to wonder if it’s "me"!

So please, do me a favor and give me the golden ticket. 

 I want an everlasting gobstopper!

 What’s the secret?

On This Side of the Fence

After last week’s blog, people may think that I’m a bit bitter because I’m not married and don't have the kids, the house and the kick ass baby stroller. They may be right.  There’s a sense of stability associated to all of that, I guess.

For years, my Dad kept asking me, “Any new boyfriends?”, “Gone on any dates lately?”

Finally I said to him, “Why do you keep asking me that? Why are you only interested in my love life?”

Dad: “I want you to settle down and have some security. I’m worried about you”.

Me: “Shouldn’t you be proud to have an independent, 33 year old daughter who can live on her own in New York City and not need a man for security?”

Dad: "..."

Success! The interrogations finally ended.

His concerns were less offensive than they were depressing.

I’m still at sea, but there is a lot to be thankful for. Yeah, I know it’s probably just wonderful to be married to the love of your life and have mini versions of yourself running around, but the grass is green on my side of the fence too.

Actually, it looks like Ireland over here!

• Having a house may be nice, but I don't have a screwed up mortgage that may surprise me in 5 years and send me packing, nor do I have to worry about household expenses for I am a renter.

• I'm free to live my life the way I want, without worrying about other people. All of my time and energy can be spent on writing, being in a play, or making silly videos with my friend Mark and I'm not going to be that neglectful  mother or wife.

• My money is my money and guilt free shopping sprees are my pass time.

• I can still live the Peter Pan life and be spontaneous.

• Silent sleep. How anyone can live with a crying child or a snoring husband is a mystery to me and I pray with fervor that when Aphrodite releases this love curse she has on me, that I will not be stuck with an apen'ic husband.

• No compromises: I'll be going to my parent's house to enjoy the fruit cake and the sliced ham.

• No lover's spats

• I can come home from work, put on my pajamas, sit my ass on the couch, eat toaster waffles, drink my Newcastle, and watch Glee all night if I wanna! SO THERE!

 (Not catching that! I  avoided the frenzy, behind the overzealous girl with her arms in the air.)

Never Been Married

I am 37 years old, never been married and don't have any children (that I know of).
Almost all of my friends are either:

• married
• married with children
• divorced
• divorced with children
• or unmarried with child(ren)

I am the youngest of 5 in my family and by the age of 37 my sister and all 3 of my brothers were:

• married
• and had at least one baby

My siblings have created 11 children total and have had 5 marriages and 2 divorces.

That accounts for more than 5 weddings, 5 engagement parties, 5 bachelorette/bachelor parties, and well over 11 baby showers.

I have been in 8 weddings:

• A flower girl in my brother Dave's wedding
• a bride’s maid in my sister Marcy's wedding
• a maid of honor in my best friend Steph's wedding
• and a bride's maid in Katie's, Misty's, Jenna's, Karen's, and Jen's wedding

I sang at my brother Dave's second wedding and at Steph's, Katies, Jen's, and Christine's wedding.
I gave a reading at my brother Troy's wedding. "Love is patient, Love is kind"...blah blah

I threw a bridal shower and bachelorette party for both Steph and Karen.
I threw a baby shower for Laurel.

Combined, I think I've been to 30+ weddings, engagement parties, bridal showers, bachelorette parties and baby showers.

I figure I've spent well over 15K on all these excursions, yet here I am in my late 30s and am still waiting for all those good deeds I did for everyone else to boomerang. At this point I'm thinkin' that's probably not going to happen and honestly I'm ok with that.

What I'm not ok with is the fact that I'm missing out on a lot of great parties and gifts in my honor.
Forget the man, forget the baby.. I want my registry!!

By this point in my life I should have already received a crap load of money from my parents for:

• a wedding
• a down payment on a house
• and at least a kick ass baby stroller or something

Where are my 3 bridal showers, engagement party, bachelorette party, wedding, honeymoon, 3 baby showers per kid, divorce, second engagement party, second bachelorette party, second wedding and second honeymoon? Why don't I get a bridal shower registry, a wedding registry and a baby shower registry?Where is that amazing piece of jewelry that's supposed to go on my left ring finger?And where is that other amazing piece of jewelry that the father of my child is supposed to give me during my pregnancy that's better known as a "birthing gift"?


I'll be honest, I'm probably never going to have kids, and as far as meeting the love of my life, that could happen, but at this rate, it's probably not going to happen for another 10 years. I'll be a 47 year old bride who can pay for her own damn wedding.

So what I'm looking for now is all that cool stuff that everybody else got.


Your comments would be appreciated.

A 20k party with fabulous gifts and a paid vacation to somewhere tropical would be even more appreciated.

 

Looking forward to the future.